Drug Plan Etiquette

Listen up folks. I'm tired of screw-ups and more work because of your stupidity regarding your drug plan.

1. If you have a new card, BRING IT IN. I cannot just guess what the new numbers/company is/are. My crystal ball is not that good. If it were do you think I'd be working here?

2. If you have a drug plan, tell me BEFORE I do up the prescriptions. It DOES NOT work like your maxed-out credit card. I don't just swipe it through some reader. I have to go back into the computer, cancel your prescriptions, add the drug plan, rebill the prescription, change the days supply bacause it turns out that your cheap-o drug plan only pays for 1 month at a time,resubmit THAT, get the okay from the drug plan, pull open the bag your already done prescriptions were in, re-count your prescription to the quantity paid for by your plan, re-label everything, change the receipts out and then you can have your Percocet.

3. If your drug plan has cancelled you, tell me so I don't waste my time and yours trying to put the billing through the drug plan. And if you were fired from your minimum wage burger-flipping job, your drug plan won't work. I know it's inconvenient for you to have to pay for your Oxycontin, but them's the breaks. Besides, you can re-sell them on the street for a profit. Oh wait, you already knew that, didn't you? That's why you were willing to pay cash when it turned out your plan was indeed cancelled.

4.Don't just hand me a drug plan card and walk away. I need information. Like your birthday. Like if it's your plan. Like if it's your spouse's plan. I need to know if you are a girl or a boy. I know it seems obvious, but believe me, it ain't always!

5. Don't blame me if your name should have been spelled Giamyelli and not Jameylee. How the hell would I know? You momma just stuck some random letters together and "created" your name. In the mistaken idea that an unusual name would make you more interesting. You're not. And if the drug plan has screwed up your "unique and beautiful" name? Yeah, they ain't gonna pay for your Valium. Not something I can fix. It is your responsibility to check the damn paperwork they send you to make sure they got it right.

6. If your drug plan has a deductible, that means you have to pay that part of the cost. It's not a number I pull out of my ass. Again, check the fucking paperwork, it will tell you what that is.

7. No, you may not take the other prescription that doesn't have a deductible on it because the drug plan charged the deductible to the first prescription. I will have to cancel BOTH prescriptions and yada yada see #2. And then the deductible will be charged to the prescription you do want (your Tylenol #3's. Shocking). So you sill still have to pay it.

8. You may not bill your Demerol to the plan twice in a week when it was supposed to last you a month. You can pay cash and sell it on the street as in #3.

Thank you for your time
Have a nice fucking day